Born:   July 10, 1924

Embraced by God:    June 23, 1963

   
  In a Moment 

      In June of 1990, shortly before my 31st birthday, I had my first pap smear since the birth of my youngest son, who was born in June of 1981.  I put it off for the same reason millions of other woman do, but now something deep inside me was telling me to go.

      I wasn't worried about it until after my exam when I experienced a discomfort that wasn't normal.  My insides felt badly bruised and when the discomfort remained for most of the day only then did I start to worry about the results.

      My fear mounted when the doctor's office called the next day and told me my test was abnormal.  They suggested setting up an appointment with a gynecologist as soon as possible for a colpotscopie.  For those of you who don't know; a colpotscopie is when they take a tissue sample from the uterus for testing.  It is really quite an annoying feeling.

      During the seemingly endless wait for the results, my mind dwelled on the worst.  Now mind you, I'm not a chronic worrier, nor do I wish sickness upon myself.  In fact I am the complete opposite.  I deny pain and sickness until it is overbearing and then someone usually forces me to do something.  But this I couldn't get under control, you see cancer was what took my mothers life so many years ago.

      The next evening, while washing dishes, I realized something.  It was something that only a parent could understand.  I realized how hard it must have been for my mother to know she was going to die.  At that moment, as I was feeling the selfishness of not wanting to die, I prayed that I would be spared so I could see my children grow and have children of their own.

      Standing there by the sink I imagine her lying in her hospital bed knowing her time here is almost up, but knowing her work was far from being finished.  I felt a deep sadness that my mother was never able to hold my sons or to watch them grow into the wonderful young men they are today.

      At that moment a gate opened, causing many years of bottled up emotions to spill out and I cried as I had never cried before.  I cried as I pictured my mother's hidden tears as she looked at us.  I cried for the loss of a wonderful love as our family shut down it's emotions to ease the pain.  But mostly I cried for myself, afraid that I too might be forced to do the same. 

      As I cried, I released the childhood feeling of abandonment that haunted me.  I washed away the feeling of being rejected by her, because I now understood that I was far from being rejected.  But more importantly, I lost the feeling of loneliness that shadowed my life since her death.

      Then something wonderful happened.  I felt her with me.  I felt her with me when I found out that it wasn't cancer.  She sighed with me when we heard that minor surgery would remove me from the danger list. 

      Today she lives through me: what I experience, she experiences.  For on that day I saw the world through her eyes and our hearts had a chance to touch.

Copyright July 1990 BAHumbert

 
 
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